Late evening and lone supper

It's evening, 9pm. I'm sitting alone in the kitchen and eat my supper. Alone as I said.
Before we went to the cemetery to visit mother's grave, since today is her birthday. Some people from her class came too, though most of them were irritating me.
Then we came home near 7.30pm and I tried to get my men to eat. They denied food and about 8pm went to take a nap.
I made supper in anticipation that they would wake up hungry, but the two of them seem to want more sleep. While I don't feel sleepy at all.
I got hungry and made myself some food.And
Now I sit here and we're back where we began.

My mood. . .
On evenings like this I get the strong feeling of not belonging to where I am, like it all is a big huge mistake and I should be somewhere else. Or be someone else.
A feeling of looking at yourself from third person view, something like that.
It is a very strange feeling.
Overwhelmed by a sense of mortality and fleeting moments, am I now?

Today also I made my mind about my plans for future 3 years if I were to survive this year.
Maybe I will put them down in private record, for the annals.

Reading a book about crime in disabled's house. Not very funny or amusing if you ask me, but its severity complements my mood.

A quote from it (book):
"regretfully he understood that despite being 17 Peter carried all loads of cynicism middle age can offer".

Takes me back to thinking over "jaded" as a word.